My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
