No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
