Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
