I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize