God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i used baking grease as lip gloss
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
