So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
