And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
