I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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