Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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