1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So drunk its hurt
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
