saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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