My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
