i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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