Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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