Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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