i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
