I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
