if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
