That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
