he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
