Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
