I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize