every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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