Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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