I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
