so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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