I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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