If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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