i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
