Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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