Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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