What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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