I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
