I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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