you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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