"it" just moved
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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