More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
