In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You smell like stripper and shame
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
