i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
