Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
