this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
