I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
