Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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