So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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