I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
