i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
