Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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