I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
