my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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