I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
