Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
