I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
