So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
