i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
