yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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