You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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