I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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