You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
