he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Randomize
