so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
this boner is exhausting
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
3pm strippers are depressing
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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