Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
