i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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