Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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